Growing Up White: An Upbringing without Race

So when I go and I check a box and I have to say white or Caucasian, right, white and Caucasian, there's no resonance with that at all. I have to pick a box that most pertains to me which is the box that people see me as. Right? It's the box that I say, okay, well, if someone were to classify me, they are gonna classify me as white, Caucasian. But I don't go around and have not gone around in my life thinking I'm a white person. I'm part of a white group. What? Your experiences too. Because you have to understand, I don't know life from a white perspective. I don't know. Like I said, it's the one thing that black people can't buy is that white skin. I don't so I don't know what it's like to walk through life with the con that kind of support. I'm not gonna say privileged because not every white person is privileged, and there are many white people Yeah. Who have worked very hard for this Yeah. The achievements that they have. Yeah. But there is there are institutions. There is a paradigm of thought that supports white people, and I don't know what it's like to have that support. What I can what I can say at the start is it's just not something I'm I was ever conscious of. I don't want to say ever. It's not something I had to be conscious of, and I and I can understand that that itself is a support. Right? I can understand this. Not. It is. It is. Yeah. The not having to have angst about some other part of your life. Right? There's a life is hard enough for just being a human being. Mhmm. Mhmm. I mean, there are enough challenges as just being a human being and navigating life. I can understand looking back that the fact I didn't have to think about that, the fact I didn't have to deal with it was itself a support because it freed my mind, my physical energies, my emotional, my thinking energies to be able to focus on other things. Mhmm. Yeah. It freed you to be able and I'm sorry if I'm putting words in your mouth, but it freed you to be able to take risks and to and that's how that's how innovation happens. That's how new things come into being. But when you're when a person is burdened with just even having to wonder is my basic level of need going to be met? Yeah. Am I safe? Then you don't have that mind space to do to do other things. Now, clearly, there are black people who've created tremendous innovations while being black in America Yeah. Too much to society. But what I'm saying is they did all of that vis a vis being black in America with all the other things that come along with it. I think there are ways in which not having to think about race makes someone makes me. I'm just gonna own it myself, and I imagine probably makes a lot of other people have a luxury of not having to think about it and consider it in other people. And even difference generally in in a racial ethnic way. Right? Because I stated to you, it's not that I was unaware of, you know, what Jews have to experience as being Jews. I mean, my grandparents were in the holocaust, like, Eastern European Jews in the holocaust. I was the grandchild who, like, would ask all the questions about their experiences. I know a lot about my grandparents' experience and what they had to experience because of being Jewish. So it's not like I was ignorant of that, but I never had to personally deal with it, in my own individual life. So while I was aware of it and it was clearly aware of, you know, issues of race, in not being having to deal with it in my personal life, I it didn't have to be on my radar as much, which means it was it didn't occur to me instinctively to wonder or ask about someone else's experience. And that very you know, beyond just the negative stereotypes people have of one another because of race, just that naivete Mhmm. That lack of that that that ignorance of another's experience, that not having to think about it is itself, I think, a block to understanding. I remember when I so I played soccer in high school, but 1 year, I decided not to so I could play basketball, basketball, and, like, experience what that because I loved I loved both sports. And I remember there was one so me and another person who was black were competing for a position on and off. I think he started sometimes. I think I started sometimes. You know, looking back, I think we had different strengths and weaknesses. I have no idea who should have been starting. And I remember there was one practice we had where the coach left, and it was just a scrimmaging. Mhmm. And I went up for a shot, and the other black teammate, not the one I was competing with, came up from the side of me and just nailed me to the ground. Like, brutal takedown. Yeah? And it was fine. I mean, I was I was okay. I didn't get hurt. You know? It was a little shocking, you know, to be on the ground. Everyone was getting so upset about it. And he was doing it for the other teammate. Mhmm. Yeah. And he spoke this. This wasn't me, like, trying to figure out if he, like and he said they clearly had an idea that the guy was competing with should have been the starter. Right? And it was some way of, like, sending a message about that, expressing their feelings about that. I don't know. I don't want to put words in it, but it related to them. It was clearly stated. Yes. And, you know, I honestly wasn't heard about it. There was no there was no grudge I felt, but I didn't fully I didn't fully understand where that feeling might have come from. My ability to not have to think about race Mhmm. I think meant that I didn't fully consider what he might have felt Mhmm. And the reasons he might have felt that he was being done an injustice. Mhmm. You know, I because I could totally under because I think he had completely valid points for why he maybe should have been the starter. Mhmm. And then and there's a white coach, and I was white. And so I and I don't know what his experience is of being black, but I could obviously now project that he had experiences of being discriminated against, clearly. I'm sure. Mhmm. He was clearly in the minority, not just on the team, but even more so on the campus as a whole. In the school? In school. There are all sorts of things I could now imagine that he might not have felt, but there was some basis of feeling that there is discriminate racial discrimination. I have he's most certainly probably experienced it, and that this is a case of it. I wish I would have had the wherewithal to be part to help make a conversation about that comfortable and to recognize that there is validity, whether or not my coach is being, you know, was acting on racial bias or not. And, clearly, we all I think we're socialized into some degree of racial bias more or less, unconsciously or consciously. So I just don't see how that's not the case in the world that we live in. At least the world that I know of living in and that I know my friends live in. Right? The question really is, did the coach, whatever his biases, was that specifically what led to me being chosen as the at the as the starter at that time? And I don't know. I think it is completely valid for him to at least wonder, given the situation. Okay? And I think there's nothing wrong with having that conversation, and I just didn't even think about it. I honestly Andre just did not even though I knew there was something about race, it didn't occur to me to think, like, really think about his experience because I don't have to think about the racial experience. It didn't think to me I didn't think of just being proactive about that. I don't wanna say it's something I regret because I just didn't even know. Right? I mean, I wish what, but I wish I wish I would have been at a place to have been cognizant, and then if I were cognizant, to be brave enough to say something. You were saying that having the luxury of not having to think about race and that naivete in and of itself is kinda support. Do you have any feeling of guilt with respect to that? Like, sometimes, I guess, people can be so privileged that there's a feeling of guilt of, like, wow. I really never had to have some negative experiences that other people have had to have. And if so, does if you do have a sense of guilt, do you have a sense of responsibility and action? Do you feel that because even though you race was not necessarily discussed or readily at the forefront of your mind, that you're still a participant in what is has become to be known as a problem in the country? Yeah. So with regard to the feeling of guilt, I wouldn't say that I have a feeling of guilt with regard to whatever of those supports that I have had in my life, be they based on my race, or based on Gender. My gender or economic status. I wouldn't say that it's a feeling of guilt, but I have had the feeling of a feeling that there is some unfairness in the world. Right? Like, when I have the luxury of enjoying some aspect of life that I don't think I don't think it's out of the reach of people per se, but it's certainly a lot more there's maybe more challenge or more of a struggle or more barriers, right, to those experiences. And I have moments when I think, oh, wow. This is just, like, what makes life worth living. Right? My second reaction to that feeling is everyone deserves to have the opportunity to have this experience so I don't think it I don't think there's a feeling of guilt that I feel but there certainly is a general feeling and it's not just based on race, there's a general feeling that what would be fair to me is that people have some relatively equal playing field, you know, level playing field to achieve and experience the goodness of life. With regard to the feeling of the idea of the feeling of guilt or even the idea of being a participant, I think there's something kind of more fundamental to understand about my comment related to not even thinking about race and that is and there's 2 portions of this of this kind of idea that I'm going to put forth. 1 is some might look at me and perceive me, right, and label me as being a white person. Right? I do not think of myself in that way. I did not grow up thinking of myself in that way. Right? So attached to the idea In what box did you check? Right, so I'm about to get to the box. What box did I check? With regard to the idea of not having to think about race, what goes along with that is that there is no feeling of attachment to the race that people would classify me in. So when I go and I check a box and I have to say white or Caucasian, right? White and Caucasian, there's no resonance with that at all. I'm looking at a set of boxes that I have to pick a box that most pertains to me, which is the box that people see me as. Right? It's the box that I say, okay, well, if someone were to classify me, they are gonna classify me as white, Caucasian. But I don't go around and have not gone around in my life thinking I'm a white person. I'm part of a white group. That's not how I thought. There was so me not having to think about race means also that I don't have some sense of belonging to a group of people that people wind up classifying me as. In fact, what would be stronger, and it still wasn't very strong with me relative to some of my, you know, family friend network is being Jewish. Being Jewish does not equal being white. Now there's a whole there's a whole history there's a whole history of Jews being others, right, and That's what we're doing for people. Some level of assimilation, right, and then not being seen as much as another, though there's plenty of otherness in the Jewish community, right, with the anti semitism that exists. But Jews kind of being absorbed into this idea of being white. But if I were to ever classify myself as something in Central Europe. Yeah. If I were to ever classify myself as something, it would be a Jew, not a white person. Right? And that wasn't even a label that an identification that was very strong with me. It's not that I don't feel, you know, connected to Jewish history in any way through my grandparents. It just means that I like, if someone asked who I was, I wouldn't say I'm a Jew or I'm a white person. Right? They weren't groups that I felt defined my identity. Right? So even though I can answer the question, of what it's like growing up as a white person, because I know that there's a good number of people out there who, if they look at me, they're gonna say, you're a white person. Right? It's a hard thing to answer when you don't actually identify in that way, when there's just no resonance in that way. I had a completely opposite experience clearly. Yeah. Because when you the minute you look at me, black. So I have I don't I don't have even the luxury of disassociating and saying that I'm a part of this other identity. Like, I may physically look white. Like, I may physically look white, but I'm but I really strongly identify with this other identity. So it's like when you're black, you don't you have no choice. I have no choice whether from black people or white people, whoever is projecting the whatever at me. I have no choice almost to turn away because from early on, you're inundated with all of these, you know, sort of things and, you know, messaging about being black from your own community and from white people largely centered around how you show up. So for me, I grew up, number understanding that, no, the box you check and always check is black no matter how light skinned you are, number 1. And number 2, not only do you check the box, you need to be down with the people. And this is what means what down means. And so I feel like part of my identity was extremely architected around that framework. And it was like, embrace it or feel very, very ostracized because white people won't accept you. And these are your people, so you definitely need to be and also to want to rail against any part of that. And maybe that because I'm of the I'm of the generation to be children of the civil rights movement, and that was that ran strong in the sixties seventies in the United States. Like, black identity, black identification. What did James Brown say? Say it loud. I'm black and I'm proud. Say it loud. Now my own father used to do that to us as children. Say it loud, and we would say, I'm black and I'm proud. And I and I get why. But do you realize, like, I'm you know, to put it in really, really bad terms, it's like you went to black education camp. Like and, you know and so for me, like, I strongly identified with that box and almost made it a bit of a campaign to help others understand what that box means, even if helping them understand, meaning white people, was to test their comfortability, their comfort with people in that box. You know, you talk about this idea of choice. Like you said, you know, we don't have a choice. Look at us. Right? And what I would suggest to you is I also don't have a choice. Do you understand? Like, if you think about it this Yes. I do. Now as you People don't sit there and go, oh, he's a Jewish, like, right, some people might know, but they just think white. Right? Yeah. So I don't have an even if people even if I don't identify with that group, people will perceive me as such, and so there's no choice. Now what I would also say is you classifying me outside of, meaning I have a different experience of, a broader set of white people, because of my Jewishness. Well, in some ways, you do. In some ways, you do. Because your experience is and I know this just from being the American South, is not that of, you know, Anglican, you know, non-Jewish people. Like, there is a there is a set of people and a paradigm of people who even though you may benefit from the physical appearance of having European ancestry, there is also a group of people within the group of people that have very definition very certain definite definitions of what it means to be white and how that should manifest and show up in the world. Yeah. Yeah. And so there are definitely some class of people who, if they knew my ancestry, right, might say that I'm not part of white angle, you know, the white angle Yeah. No. I met them. And at the same time, what I would suggest is there's probably a good number of white people who are not Jewish or don't have some strong, let's say, ethnic heritage of some kind. So, like, I have known people in kind of the kind of Greek Orthodox have that have very strong Greek Orthodox communities. Right? My sense of their community, because it's a tight ethnic, community, is they see themselves in that way first. I don't think they see themselves as white first. Right? Mhmm. And so there's some people who grew up in communities that have very strong kinda ethnic, cultural kind of norms, right, and bonds that might think of themselves that way first. But there's a whole set of people who didn't grow up in that way. Right? Didn't grow up as I have, in a kind of strong ethnic, you know, community. Who what I would suggest may also not resonate with being part of a white group. Like, that they could equally be checking off boxes that don't resonate with them in the way that your Black identity. I disagree with that. Thank you for watching this episode of Healing Race and stay with us for a scene from our next video. If you wanna see more conversations like the one you just watched, please subscribe to our channel, share this video with friends and family, and like and comment on the video below. If you'd like to be a guest on one of our episodes and have an open real conversation about race, email us at guests at healingracehow.com. And if there are topics you think we should cover, we'd love to hear them. So please email your ideas to topics at healingracehow.com. As always, thanks for your support. We look forward to continuing the conversation with you. Now, here's a scene from our next healing race. Here is a little bit of my challenge around assuming or going too far in thinking that this this the larger white population has this, like, strong identification with being white. Mhmm. Here's the reason why. Or that they should own their whiteness, which means kinda owning their guilt or their privilege or whatnot. Right? I actually think that's a state of the world that I would not like. Mhmm. So think about this. Do you want? So imagine that white identification is at this level. K? Do you want whites to identify more with one another? To watch the rest of that episode, go ahead and click the video below me. To see a different compelling healing race episode, you can click the video below me. We look forward to seeing you in the next